My Mom Doesn't Want Me To Work

I just have to let this out.

It was a random discussion on a Monday night. 

My mom told me that she talked to my sister a while back. While chit-chatting, my sister asked my mom if I wanted to work abroad.

I have been technically unemployed for a year now. Freelance work has stopped coming in. No income already. Personal savings depleted. I'm looking for jobs here and there, applied in some, ghosted in a number of them, a couple of them sent rejection letters.

Then my mom narrated that she told my sister that she doesn't want me to work abroad. My mom aired her worries of who will be left to take care of my kids: who will help them with their homeworks, who will handle internet and other technical issues, who will bring to and fetch them from school. 

Understandable, because my parents are senior citizens already. 

Hubby, while working from home, has to concentrate on, well, working. After all, he is now our sole breadwinner.

I told my mom, well, I'm actually looking for local jobs.

I couldn't exactly describe her expression when I said that. Her face was like a mix of emotions: shocked, worried, panicked, probably a WTF face, if ever there was one.

I backtracked and told her that work-from-home setups are my priority. Still, her expression was like --- I'm actually not sure. 

Doesn't she want me to find work? I mean, I need income stream. Content creation and affiliate marketing ain't doing it regularly for me. Friends and former colleagues have forgotten me and are not asking for my services anymore. Maybe thanks to ChatGPT. 

Hell yeah, I'm still better than ChatGPT. LOL.

I told hubby about it. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, I want to stay at home and take care of the fam, even my parents. Cook meals, clean up a bit, help my kids with their studies, assist my mom when she wants to shop for clothes. Stuff like that. But I need to have my own income. Yeah, it's a need. I have credit card bills to pay, and they're ballooning. I can't ask hubby to help me with that because I want him to prioritize stuff for the kids most especially. (Well, the reason for the credit card issue was also that I used it for the fam, when money was tight for both of us. But because it's my card and it was my decision to use it, I feel like the obligation to fix that is on me.)

Hubby knows that I've been making efforts in finding work. I'm also trying to have some paid content creation opportunities just to help me gain some money. But that's few and far between so I'm not profitable with that yet.

Anyhoo, while I was telling him that, I somehow got to thinking that maybe the reason why the Universe isn't giving me regular work yet is because my mom doesn't want me. She's probably wishing against me having a job, and her spirit is more powerful than mine. I even joked that maybe God hears her prayers more than He hears mine.

Sorry, Lord.

But somehow, I feel like there is something holding me back from getting accepted at a job. At one point, before this happened, I was thinking maybe fate is telling me to focus on the home for the meantime. I remember my sister-in-law telling me that among us siblings, I'm the one my parents rely on the most. And to an extent, it is true. Anytime they have to leave or go somewhere, I'd be the one to stay and guard the house. When my mom wants to buy something, she tells me to come along. The time when my dad was selling my uncle's property, I was the one with him when he talked to the buyers. And when my dad has to pay arrears, I would be the one accompanying him.

So maybe this is my season?

Still, I hope to have my own income while I'm at home. Because, you know, bills. I've been trying affiliate marketing but it seems to not work as I hoped it would. I'm not stopping, though. Plus I've been looking for paid brand collabs, too. And I've also started to spread my wings by guesting in a podcast. Although the pay is just small, if I get to guest often, I'd have some money to pay for stuff.

Right now, I don't know how to respond to all of these. I do feel slightly downhearted, but I want to keep my hopes up and lean on God. I want to trust and surrender all of these to Him. And maybe, that's all I can do now.

I just hope an opportunity to earn comes, I really need financial reprieve. Probably something I can do even while at home. Maybe less of x-deals and more paid collabs. Or even just short paid projects.

Just something to ease the burden.