A Quiet Mess

I'm chronically online, out of habit due to the nature of my previous work and also because I do some content creation myself. And in those times, I encounter tarot readings for my zodiac. 

For the past weeks, one word floats above the rest: communication.

With communication comes release, awakening, transformation.

There were, for me, three things I needed to address in my life's situation using communication.

And tonight, the third and last issue was communicated.

And while it was steady at the start, it got quiet when it ended. 

And with the stillness, the mess.

How ironic.

You think that with communication, everything clears out.

It does lay everything on the table. 

But not neatly afterwards.

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To be honest, hubby and I are not very good at financial literacy.

We've been together for years, but talking about money and budgets always end in silence.

Awkward. Unsettled. 

Pause for a while.

Then move on to the next conversation.

Honestly, it's rare that we address money issues. And when we do, there's no solution talked about. Just rant. Just worry. 

And then quiet.

The one time I remember opening up to him about our family budget was when I opened up to having a hard time handling bulk of it. 

Technically, since we were both working then, we split the responsibilities. He handled the savings and tuition. I handled the groceries, the water and electricity bills, the laundry. Most that had weekly and monthly payments. And the kids' textbooks upon enrollment. That's above my everyday fare and food when at work.

I incurred a credit card debt that I had difficulty settling, with the responsibility I had and the meager amount I was earning every month. I remember crying, feeling hurt, while I told him that I'm spending this much and it was getting hard for me.

I don't remember what his response was. Or if there ever was. Because when we talk about money, he'd sulk and walk away. 

I'm left feeling that everything's my fault.

It's happening again now. And this time, I feel at fault again because now, I don't have my own income. He's handling the weekly groceries now plus our internet bill. That's above the kids' tuition. And, well, Eldest's tuition is not in the affordable amount. 

And this is how we ended up with tonight's quiet mess. 

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I'm really trying to improve myself with financial literacy. And honestly, I've been trying to convince hubby, too, by nudging him here and there, whenever he wants to purchase something.

Before he bought the car, I tried convincing him to save up a year's worth of monthly amortization. He didn't listen and went with buying the car on his birth month, when he only had enough for the downpayment and a few months' amortization.

Before he bought a second-hand motorcycle, I tried telling him to postpone it because we can still manage. He kept saying that it was for my convenience, although I know it was more for him than for me. He went with it, and ended up buying a problematic motorcycle. It's only been with him for a month or so and he's already spent for repairs. 

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Maybe communication is my problem. That's why we're here in this mess.

In the things that are my responsibility, I've done what I can to mitigate the problem. The problem is still there but at least I took a step and communicated. Now I'm just waiting for the resolution.

The tuition issue is the biggest one that I really had to steel myself because this had to be communicated already before it's too late.

And just like in the past, nothing.

Nothing but sulking and silence.

I don't know what to do.

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In a way, there is a bit of lightness, but the feeling is also a bit heavy.

Like in a limbo where my head is just sticking out of the mess, enough to take some breaths.

I guess in this quiet mess...

... all there is, is surrender.